Looking at Yourself Through Your Relationships

Family of Selves

It has been difficult to admit that every relationship I have is an accurate reflection to the relationship I am having with myself. If someone is attacking me, I must ask, "How am I attacking myself? What do I feel guilty about?" Whatever we feel angry and guilty about always points to something we are not giving. If someone is withdrawing from me, I must ask, "How do I withdraw from life? What do I not want to look at inside of myself?"

If relationships are my mirror, it is difficult to look at how I work with a group of women that shift and undulate emotionally each day in way I can never predict or control. Sometimes relationship feels like walking into a purifying fire. Anyone who ever said the spiritual path is full of peace has already walked through the fire of relationship or is avoiding it completely.

Life requires a tremendous amount of deeper vision. We can get hurt in daily small ways by the opinions of others and then choose to add another layer of defense over our coat of armor. When we protect ourselves in this way, we withdraw from life more and more. On the opposite end we can choose to take a step towards what is wounding us and look for the gift about what it is telling us. Anything that bothers us is pointing us towards something we are afraid to look at in ourselves. Usually it is something in our character that is not contributing to the whole of life and that we selfishly wanting to defend and not change.

Perhaps the greatest fire of purification in my past few years has been at my full-time job - working in an art studio with 10 headstrong artists/instructors. Group dynamics and all the complex relationships within them are my subject of fascination of late. My earlier opinions of groups have been that they do not allow me the " fullest expression of my unique personality" and I have avoided them all of my life.

As the two year mark passed at my full-time job I have shifted my view. Because I feel that the full-time work I do facilitating art and creativity for the elderly is purposeful and valuable, I have been willing to change my opinion on groups because I have to work in one! I now see groups as a refining and purifying force, that come kicking and screaming, are going to point out where we do not step up and contribute to the whole.

Group dynamics are an amazing experiment that we all must learn to flow in and co-operate with in order to be part of a larger interdependent expression of the whole. Within a group, our individual edges, preferences and strong likes and dislikes have to get rubbed down in the interest of a harmonious working group. This is a good thing, even though the comfortable, primary expression of our personality would like to convince us otherwise.

Working in groups is uncomfortable. In groups we have to stretch in directions that we would not normally choose to. Groups teach us not to be so self-centered and only focused on our own interests. It shows us where we hold back, where we withdraw and where we act victimized and attacking. It shows us where we feel better than others, where we seek our approval from, and it show us where we feel less than others. Group dynamics are an amazing mirror. If we truly give to the good of the group and set aside our selfish and isolated interests, there is less conflict and more cooperation. Groups teach us to step outside of our small selves and give to something larger than ourselves.

Here are some good question to ask yourself:

1.) Take a good look at a current group you are involved in. Who do you like and approve of in the group? Who do dislike or are irritated by? Can you name the characteristics in these people that you like and dislike? This will provide a map of what you allow and dis-allow inside of yourself.

2.) It is helpful to view every member of a group as a part of yourself. Can you find a name in your "Family of Selves" that represents every member of your group? This will help you feel less outwardly attacking towards others. You can say, "Hello victim!" to yourself when someone is feeling sorry for themselves and look for all the ways you have felt sorry for yourself today.