Clarifying Purpose

A friend in my counseling class asked me how I was doing...it really got me thinking. At first I thought...oh everything is peaceful in my life...I am so accepting...and trusting my life...coming to terms with embracing and trusting the ordinary day to day stuff....what I have created thus far...my pace....mmm...I am feeling bored...in a rut...mmm.

And then I thought...no...underneath it all I am feeling sort of helpless..this "embracing and trusting the ordinary" feels like a default to my conditioning...my habit patterns...it feels like a giving up...drowning in my own passivity and a taking of the path of least resistance. A familiar cellular feeling....like it is coming down the pike from my family system. I have this vague sense that life is passing me by and I am not fully stepping up to what I need to do. It is like an automatic ego switch of mine to become discouraged after any set-back...to disbelieve in my dreams and urges. The urge for me to "go big" feels huge to me right now.
 
I told a friend in class the other night that my highest voice is saying to me, "Trust the ordinary..." Then I was driving home after class I felt like as if this "higher thought" was draining me. Sometimes my ego induced "spirituality thoughts" feel passive...unactivated...celibate...and unexciting. Kind of nice...sweet...hardworking and dead.

Trust as my goal for the year is feeling kind of passive to me...it feels like when I am relaxing so much...that I am whitewashing my assertiveness.

I think my Trust Goal needs to be more assertively stated...from an essence point of view...because the ego can get a hold of any goal to further it's own ends don't you think?

In my conditioned...ego...family system self I can be rather passive...going along with life and that feels kind of wimpy and depressed...accepting what comes...sort of dependently feminine....it can even...by my ego...be called trust.

In my essence self and stepping out of my family system...Trust would be much more audacious and activated...3 S's come to mind:

Trust in embracing:

 Strength
 Sexuality

 Surrender/(Spontaneity)

That would be the opposite of what I am conditioned to be...passive/agressive, tamping down my sexuality and fearful controlling.

Strength...Sexuality and Surrender/(Spontaneity) could even be called my purpose.

My partner Ondrea and I have a goal to build a business together as counselors, coaches, teachers. The focus will be on healing around sexuality, and how it connects to spirit, money and creativity...second chakra stuff.

The second chakra issues are definitely what I have been working with in my life. The issues and joys and pain I have felt around sexuality have been immense and confusing. When Ondrea and I got together 12 years ago I experienced a mystical sexual/creative opening that I cannot logically explain. It included a huge creative explosion and insight into the nature of true creativity and a temporary opening of my higher energy centers. Given to me by grace I am sure my temporary awakening was also precipitated by the immense crisis surrounding my life at the time. The death of 5 family members, the end of my marriage, new babe in arms and so on opened me past my conditioning in a way that showed me there is a divine life running under this human struggle at all times.

Because I could not hold the immense spiritual/creative/sexual energy 12 years ago, I experienced a massive closing down accompanied by some severe second chakra health ailments. I  knew on some level that my psychic container was not "fit" to experience this kind of energy in it's fullness full time. I could literally feel my energy centers closing down and I went clunk right back into my conditioning. Splat!

Ondrea and I have been doing the darkness cleansing for years now, and the healing for me feels near. The darkness feels like it is leaving...oh my I have done so much flailing and wailing and crying and dying. My body is feeling more conditioned and cleansed towards holding higher energies. I signed up for my second year of counseling training minute...not sure that I would need to have professional counseling designation but I had a vision earlier this summer of opening my heart up to many people.

I feel such tenderness for our human dilemma.

 

Some good questions to ask:

 

1.) Can you feel into your human struggle? What are you struggling with right now?

 

2.) Can you see the seeds of your greatness...the opposite qualities of your struggle within you? What are they? How can you incorporate these higher qualities in your life today?